newspaper mockup Dating after #MeToo: he secretly took off his condom during sex – it's a thing//health brekingnews

he secretly took off his condom during sex//health brekingnews
I’m glad you wrote about consent last week, because I was sexually assaulted last weekend. I was so angry and so freaked out. Apparently it’s a thing – guys taking off condoms without you knowing and without your consent!? Everyone I’ve talked to about it has said that it has happened to them at least once. I am a single woman and trying to be sexually liberal and conscious but to do it in a safe (mentally and physically) way, and then this happens! Is it the price we pay to play in that realm?

G


Dating after #MeToo: should I ask my date if I can kiss her?
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Hi G,

I’m so sorry this happened to you. You’re right: this was an assault. In fact, it was rape. Penetrating someone without their consent is rape in most jurisdictions, and that’s what this person did: he penetrated you without your consent, because your consent was contingent on the use of a condom. This form of rape is not yet illegal in the United States (some states are working on legislation to make it so) but some more-enlightened countries such as Sweden have passed laws against it, as Julian Assange has made us aware.

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The best advice I have for you is to take care of yourself. Get an STD test, get emergency contraception if you’re not already using prescribed birth control. Spend time with the people who you know care about you and think about talking to a therapist about what happened. Some people may be able to recover from this kind of assault quickly, others may not. There is no right way to feel.

Assault is not by any means a price you have to pay for being a single woman who wants to have sex once in a while without committing to a relationship, but it’s hard to not feel this way when men who seem otherwise normal and fun and attractive – this man obviously possessed some good qualities to make you want to sleep with him in the first place – continue to do things like this.

I have some advice for these men: those of you who have engaged in what the media has called “stealthing” but which, as I mentioned earlier, is rape. I know you’re out there: I know you’re reading this, because as the original letter writer pointed out, it’s not uncommon.

Stop. Absolutely stop. Take a moment to think about where your life went wrong that made you a man who thought it was OK to assault women who trusted you enough to sleep with you. You have betrayed their trust – yes, even if a woman is having a really good time, and you believe that sex feels better without condoms, you cannot make that decision for her. That is not your choice.

Further advice: if you are a person who has not done this, but are aware that you have friends or acquaintances who have and have not expressed that this is a problem, you need to ask yourself why you spend time with them, and why you haven’t told them – in a loud, clear voice – that they are committing sexual assault. The frequency with which this happens – I, too, know many women who have had this experience – demonstrates that it is far from unusual.

Too often, “stealthing” is something that men do for bragging rights, to show off to other men how macho and sexual and powerful they are. Or it’s something that they think they do in the heat of the moment as an expression of passion. It’s neither. And no one – I mean no one – should listen to someone talk about doing this without volubly objecting.

We have all been silent for too long about common acts of sexual cruelty, for fear of making things uncomfortable, for ruining the atmosphere, for coming over as prudish or illiberal. #MeToo has taught us that we have to talk about this kind of thing to make it stop.

newspaper mockup Dating after #MeToo: he secretly took off his condom during sex – it's a thing//health brekingnews
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News & Politics	Upload TimePublished on 9 May 2018

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